There's nowhere far enough away from here...

I met my friend Emma after work last night, we had some food then went to the cinema. I had let her choose the film out the selection of ones I hadn't already seen!

So we saw Ghost Rider. What a pile of poo that was. Well I would say 4 out of 10 for comedy value. What is Nicolas Cage doing in such a terrible film?

Anyway, on Sunday I went to see Becoming Jane. Not that great by any stretch - as it did somewhat drag. However I still found myself blubbing in parts. It was so sad! James McAvoy is rapidly becoming my actor of choice as well, following on from The Last King of Scotland in which he should have been Oscar nominated along with Whittaker. Anyway, Mr McAvoy produces what I honestly believe is the best screen kiss for some considerable time in Becoming Jane. Wow. I think I have a very little crush of the Colin Firth as Mr Darcy proportions.

So, the boyfriend was a nice bloke, and was pleased to see that he seems really into my sister. Don't know why, the annoying pain in the neck that she is... But that is just my view!

I had to spend the evening with my friend last night. Well, I say 'had to', it was not compulsory but I kind of felt obliged as it was her birthday the day before and I like to do my bit. She's a single Mom, looking for love etc etc, so as her present I paid for her to join a dating site.

We then spent the latter half of the evening - after eating Chinese take away and watching a cheesy rom-com - searching for men for her on the net. I found it a fascinating process. I mean, I know what kind of guy I am interested in, but have never searched with someone else before, if you don't count when you have a look for fun with one of your friends.

Justine went straight for the trendy looking type, never as much as glancing at anyone I myself would have liked. She then zoned straight in on the bit that says how much the fella earns. I prefer it when the subject selects 'no answer' for that - if they put £150,000 a year then they are just asking for someone after their money. Why is that question even on there? One site has low, medium or high which is OK as I think it's in your head then - one person's high is another person's low depending on their expectations. I actually think putting such a high figure down, true or not, is just showing off! Maybe they say they earn that much to attract the kind of WAG meal ticket hunter type? Or they are saying 'don't bother with me unless you are stacked?' - oh look, I have gone off on one!

Justine wants to be swept off her feet by someone who is interested in genuninely. I think she is better looking for a 'normal' guy. Maybe it's me. Not like I have had a lot of luck to date is it?

Example of my bad luck:

On of my recent dates sounded good on paper, but when I met him he stank of that musty kind of back of an old armchair smell (not sure if that will mean anything to anyone?!) to the point that I struggled not to gag - yuck, and he seemed to not have cleaned his teeth for 20 years. So even though he was a nice bloke, if you discount boring and talked about his Nan and dogs far too much, there was no way I was ever going there again.

Let's just hope Justine finds what she is looking for.

Right, well I am just over an hour away from meeting the BF of the Sis. She has told me not to wear high heels (like I EVER wear heels anyway!) as he is apparently short, and to be on my best behaviour and not be scruffy!! Great!

I bet he is actually OK - she is just being a right old drama queen. I have to be nice - he could be future brother in law after all. I'm actually a bit nervous - more than I have been on recent blind date efforts in fact.

I'm going to have to drag it out before we go for dinner if I can - a few of us went out for lunch and I am still full up!

Wonder if can get it all done and be home for 8ish. Early night, up early, clean house, handy man coming round to sort out shower, Justine coming round for evening... Must get birthday card for Justine on way home...

My sister has been going on at me for a couple of weeks ago about getting round to meeting her new boyfriend. For some reason I can't quite fathom - I am totally not interested! I think it may be to do with the fact that she was really keen on one guy last year and it all went wrong and he has now just replaced him with another internet date man - I feel like I have been here before.

Also, the way she sold the invite to meet him to me was a little unflattering - she wanted me to bring someone else with me as it would be 'weird' being the three of us. Great. It's not like I don't have it hammered home most days about how single I am! I really don't need it from my sister.

The last week or so has really made me feel uber single - such as I have been invited on holiday in July - it would be three other couples and me. Great. How to make yourself feel like a real billy-no-mates on your hols. I'm not going, which is a shame as I would love a week in Ireland, but I just know I will feel miserable. I asked my male friend Iain to come but he was horrified at the thought of a week in the company of one of the husbands - Steve. I'm not that fond of Steve either, but he is married to my friend so what can you do?

Anyway - back to my sister and her new bloke... Am meeting them tomorrow night for dinner - just the three of us. I hope I get my social hat back on before then, as if I have a cob on I will give a really bad impression. I'm still not interested in meeting him, but who can turn down food at The Green Room - mmm - hummus bagels!

I suppose I worry that my sister is suffering from 'for the sake of it' rather than genuine lurve for this bloke. The whole 'for the sake of it' thing really worries me for my own sake - how can that ever last if you do get suckered into it anyway? Oh dear.

I really need a new job, though obviously not at the Vegan Society! The only good thing about my current job is the panoramic view over Birmingham City Centre from my 16th floor window. That is not a reason to stay working somewhere!

Birmingham is pretty ugly anyway.

The Vegan Society are moving to Brum - so I thought I might apply for a job with them. That would be like my dream job! However they sent me the info, and bearing in mind they want a graduate, the salary wil be about £14,000! Forget it. I can't live on that. Not that am a high earner by any means, but who can live alone, pay a mortgage and all the bills on £14,000?

Shame though, that would have been heaven.

I am in a really good mood today. Not sure if it has anything to do with these barley supplement things I started taking today. Apaprently they help with blood sugar, which hopefully will mean that I won't be nodding off at my desk at 3pm.

Barley things were given to me by my nutritionist. I've decided to tackle my semi depression by looking at what I eat rather than attributing it to all my 'issues' - I don't want my life ruled by the fact that some bitch picked on my when I was 15, or by the fact that my parents never thought I would aspire to anything etc etc. Those things will always be there, but the fact that I have been flat as a pancake lately seems to coincide with me eating a lot of cake - which then triggered off me wanting to eat a lot more cake etc - then it was the rocky road to moody me. I'm not the healthiest veggie on the planet!

Sometimes I really lie to myself. Like convincing myself that I was going to cut Tom out of my life completely. I'm not. I like his company - best to let the friendship run it's course whichever way. Prepare self for extreme jealousy if he meets someone - but until then... I've kind of resigned myself to the situation anyway now, so no point in cutting of my nose is there?

Short guy never called, so I didn't have to deal with that one. On one hand - why didn't he call, what is wrong with me?! However, also a sense of relief as I don't know if I could get over the missing inches!! Ha.

I spent half of last night in my friends garden clutching a cup of coffee watching the moon. How fantastic was the eclipse? I love the night sky. It makes you feel so insignificant.

I'm turning a corner today. Screw men and all their shit. In particular screw Tom. I'm going bonkers here. I'm still getting messages from Sean wanting to see me again, in the meantime I have had that date with Mr 'I wanna hold your hand' and he keeps texting me, then I had another date with a nice guy last week, who said he would call but hasn't so far - but my dilemma with him is that he is rather short and I like tall - but that's so shallow! Let's see if he calls before I start throwing out the one pair of high heels I own!

Tom can feck off now. What a good friend I am, how easy I am to talk to, how lovely it is to make me feel all this stuff for nothing, right Tom? Well I'm knocking you on the head. I can't move on with my life with you around distracting me. You will never hear from me again, and you will hopefully wonder what became of me - though I doubt that will last when you meet Little Miss Perfect and skip off into the sunset. It breaks my heart, but I have to practice a little self protection here, it hurts like hell and I want it to stop.

To top it all off though, there is my actual 'stalker' to deal with. I've had my head in the sand for a while with this guy. The feelings he has for me are totally out of proportion to what he actually knows about me and he's scaring me. Yesterday I came home and there was a gift through my door from him. I don't like him, I want him to go away!

I've been in hiding. My life is so messed up at the moment! The love life is the main problem, lack of it or whatever.

The problem of the two men solved itself when I gave Sean the heave ho - totally unreliable and full of pathetic excuses. Tom is still on the scene, but the more time I spend with him the more I fall for him, but he sees me as a friend, not that the matter has come up in the last few weeks. Do you think this will ever change or is it really a case of 'he's just not that into you'!?

In an endeavour to get Tom out of my head I went on a date with another man - what a tangled web. This one was called Justin. Boring and yam yam, and those were his good points. Yet I felt guilty when he wanted to go out again for some reason - so went out with him last night. He was trying to hold me hand over the table and then he jumped me in the car park. I just didn't want him near me, so I won't be doing that again. All I could think was 'Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom'.

So I guess diversionary tactics are not going to work with Tom - and will I ever be able to give someone else a chance whilst my head is full of him? I think I will knock this dating other men on the head for a while.

I am really mad about him though! I feel like a schoolgirl.